Help us Jamie Oliver; The burgers are expanding…

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If there is a world of fast food/foodie aficionados, as McDonalds seems to think there are (re: their “Foodies Welcome” marketing campaign), they got some good news when that same company announced in 2012 that it would no longer put “pink slime” in their food as a result of pressure from Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution. As a fan of Oliver, and relative health in general, I was happy to see that his revolution had a significant impact in Britain, and though I was dubious when he turned his attention on America, at least I was marginally entertained by the ensuing conflicts caused by his efforts in West Virginia (American TV at it’s best). Since then, the revolution has apparently been successful in the targeted school. Of course, it was bold of him to try to tackle the most obese city in America, but I think that Mr. Oliver may have been focusing his specific efforts upon the wrong area of the world.

Why? Because the “XTRA LONG CHILI CHEESE” is a real sandwich that Burger King offers to customers in the Netherlands, Austria, Germany and South Africa.

That's right, South Africans get to enjoy these whenever they want to
That’s right, South Africans get to enjoy these whenever they want to

It’s not like we haven’t been asking for it, just ask the consumerist.

On second thought, maybe the Naked Chef was in the right place, and he really needs to come back over to talk to us about portion control, because apparently a version of that beast is available in America. The Extra (Hey! They actually spelled out the word “extra”!) Long BBQ Cheeseburger, which Man Reviews Food pointed out is basically an elongated Rodeo Cheeseburger, is now available in the good ol’ US of A.

Granted, the King has burgers that are SIGNIFICANTLY more caloric. The Triple Whopper clocks in at over 1100 calories compared to the XLBBQC’s paltry 590 calories.

We can have that conversation when Jamie gets back.

The reason the new elongated burger bugs me is that it represents the first step in what I can only imagine will be the continuous lateral expansion of fast food meat patties. In a gross metaphor of the collective American (worldwide?) waistline, the burger will inevitably go from two patties side-by-side, to three overlapping (as demonstrated by the South African beauty above).

But does it have to stop there?

How long will it be before it’s just one, twelve-inch oblong meat flap? How long before we stack another on top of it, maybe slop a layer of nacho cheese, BBQ sauce, and fried lard in between, and call it the “Big Ol’ BBQ Double Flap”? And hey, the flap wouldn’t be too far from taco shell dimensions. Move over Doritos, I sense a collaborative effort in the future (don’t worry taco meat in a meat shell is low-carb, just look at the double-down).

Perhaps, this is hypocritical. Yes, I’ve horfed more than my share of fast food sandwiches, which came in all shapes and sizes. But I do have to agree that at some point we need to stop mindlessly shoveling whatever greasy meat-piles corporate fast food bigwigs decide to hock into our waiting faces.

We need to get back to cooking for ourselves and our families. We need to stick to the outside of the grocery store, and embrace the real, un-packaged, fresh food that can be found there. We need to realize that we can make better food, for a better price, in the comfort of our own home.

Fuck it. I’m with Jamie Oliver, let’s go for some sustainable change.

 

7 Comments Add yours

  1. essbee14 says:

    I won’t ever forget the expression “meat flap.” Yeesh. Also, had no idea that a triple Whopper is 1100 calories (although not surprised).

    1. Brian says:

      I’m happy to have written something so disgustingly memorable. 🙂
      More like 1150 actually… without cheese.

  2. Liz says:

    I only eat home cooked meals. That looks like something I would eat once every three months when I go out to binge, Thanks for sharing!

  3. Even more disgusting… the KFC Double Down. Ewwwww

  4. Thanks for linking! Totally agree: Homecooking, shopping the outsides… getting back to basics is sustainable and … well… better for us.

    1. Brian says:

      That’s the idea. 🙂

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